Cindy Crawford, Revisited

I have an "old" friend who recently asked no one in particular, "Have you ever wondered who is looking back at you from the mirror, then realized it is you, old and wrinkled?" Sadly, she finished her ponderance with, "Ya, it's a bad day."

Oh, my. As a 40-something somewhat ravaged by time myself and the Dad of two young ladies who will someday face this same kind of societal aging challenges that my "old" (though younger than I) friend is feeling, I felt compelled to reply with a perspective built on a quixotic celebration of real life ...

My reply:

Cindy Crawford, a supermodel born in 1966 (around our age), has a famous quote that says "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford" and has admitted that she became a regular visitor to a cosmetic surgeon at the age of 29 -- so she's a bit of a cartoon character. That's fine, but it creates unrealistic expectations in other women because they're trying to do what she's done, without having the benefits of cosmetic surgeons, makeup artists, publicists, clothes designers, and most powerful of all, airbrushing!

I've found f you've ever wondered who is looking back at you from the mirror, then realized it is you "old and wrinkled", and then coyly smiled at all the joy you've had with your friends and your kids as you aged and earned those wrinkles and scars, then it's a great day -- and the warmth and confidence that radiates from that thought is the foundation of true sexiness ... at any age and at any dress size. Enjoy the day!

And that's what I wish for all of you -- my girls included -- the chance to enjoy every moment without the stress of mirrors, models, and glossy expectations ... a chance to live a healthy, wonderous existence while celebrating every wrinkle and scar that comes from that grand adventure.

Indeed, Enjoy the day!

Making "One & Done" Meaningful

The NBA introduced "One & Done" to make sure high school hoops prodigies play one year of college ball prior to turning pro. Hmmm. To ensure youth are properly educated? To make sure all their players can drink when they go to strip clubs? To make sure colleges continue to reap the millions generated by their hoops team?

This is a case of a well intended but horribly executed intervention. Yep, intervention was needed, but the current "One & Done" solution solves nothing -- except keeping elite colleges rolling in dough. There's more to accomplish than that.

Even the infamous Hall-of-Fame win-at-all-costs Bobby Knight rails against the structure of "One & Done" as players without academic abilities are getting free rides to DI schools, taking 6 credits of independent phys ed, failing all of them, getting in their year of hoops, and going pro ... and in the process, making a mockery of the entire situation.

That certainly is a jaded view of "One & Done", but it is too familiar a pattern ...

Here's what I'd do.

I'd evolve the arbitrary "One & Done" by expanding the job description requirements for an NBA/NFL/MLB/Etc player job to include "a two-year Associates' Degree in Pre-Professional Sports or a Bachelors' Degree in any field with a minor in Pre-Professional Sports." Each DI school would offer the programs in Pre-Professional Sports: made up of practical classes in public speaking, money management, human sexuality, basic injury care, coaching strategies, the sociology of leaches and possees, etc. Players would have to pass to play ...

This would send all pro-wannabees to college for a meaningful program with an actual and applicable credential. The colleges would still reap the millions for a couple years -- and the league wouldn't have to babysit uneducated teenagers. For the kids, it would mean two years of opportunity to learn and mature while earning a relevant credential to open the door to their professional dream job ... just like the rest of the professional world.

A Bit Above Average

Yep, I realize there has been speculation that it might be me - not Mick Jagger, James Taylor, or Warren Beatty - that Carly Simon was singing about in "You're So Vain." Still, despite my joyfully delusional enjoyment of myself, it did come as a bit of a surprise earlier this week when I learned I was now, officially, a bit above average at something else.

Huh?

One statistic I've never been above average in is "age at work". I came to my current employer when I wasn't yet 25 -- arriving as the youngest member of the leadership team, the youngest manager, and younger than more than 90% of the organization.

Well, after nearly 19 years of determined service, I've finally crested the bell curve. Our latest employee demographics show the average age to now be 43 -- and at 43 years and 5 months, I'm just a bit above average.

WOOOHOOO!

Hey, Carly -- how do you like me now?

:-)

Win Ben Stein's Opinions

Ben Stein has long been one of my favorite "characters", but I never met the man himself ... until today.

I loved the game show "Win Ben Stein's Money" and enjoyed the mindless "America's Most Smartest Model". I knew Stein's background involved being valedictorian of his class at Yale Law School, a reported genius, and a well-known economist who dabbles in political commentary ... So, when offered the opportunity by Dann Van Der Vliet, the Director of the Vermont Business Center, to hear him speak and attend a reception for him, I jumped at it. (Thanks, Dann!)

It was too much fun. Parking at UVM is always a challenge, so I cheated and tucked the little blue car in an executive spot behind the Ira Allen Chapel, turned on the cloaking device, hoped for the best, and headed in.

I surveyed the room and found a familiar face -- Tim Smith, the Executive Director of the Franklin County Industrial Development Corporation (I'm a shameless name dropper, as this post confirms) ... Soon, Rocki-Lee Dewitt (the Dean of the UVM Business School who I met when I earned my certificate from VBC), took the stage to introduce UVM President Dan Fogel (who I met at a dinner he hosted in hopes of signing my older daughter to an academic UVM scholarship) who then introduced Ben Stein. DeWitt's intro of Fogel was short and sweet ... Fogel's intro of Stein was fun and fitting -- as Fogel's wife's sister's husband was Stein's undergraduate roommate at Columbia back in the '60s (see, I'm not the only name dropper!) ...

Stein's talk was the intellectual equivalent of crossing a stream by hopping from rock to rock. Jokes. Economics. Stories. Politics. Sips of honey-water. Evolution. Name dropping (he menitoned he lives near Barbara Striesand). Anecdotes. Transistions cleverly disguised as non-sequitors ... A very interesting, enjoyable hour. Highlights?

• He's frustrated that the top 300 thousand wage earners in the US earn more than the bottom 200 million and that 1% of the people in the US own 50% of the assets in the country (agreed, the trick is how to change that appropriately);


• He holds great concern about the unbridled power of Hedge Funds and their subsequent influence on the US economy (he lost me there as I don't even truly believe in economics as a genre);


• Martin Luther King, Jr, is the man he respects most from the 20th century (could well be my choice as well);


• He's thrilled a woman and a black man are running for President, but wishes the man was Colin Powel (agreed) and the woman was Condi Rice (likely better than Hillary, but I'm not sure how much better);


• His new movie "Expelled" challenges the educational world's approach to Darwinism with Intelligent Design (in a way that is beyond me, but I've yet to see the movie) and he fielded a couple questions on it from both sides (that dripped with emotion from the asker in ways that were also beyond me);


• When asked about the impact on families of jail sentences for non-violent drug offenders, Stein turned it, and postulated perhaps it was the drug use itself hurting the families moreso than the prison sentences (agreed), but went on to say he'd likely favor eliminating criminal penalties for posession of small quantities of drugs (I disagree in the vast majority of cases) ...

All in all, a highly entertaining eclectic session that was less like a stuffy executive lecture and more like idle chatter on long a road trip between thinking friends who actually read the newspaper ... An afternoon well spent.

Then, I met Ben.

I'd been invited to the reception and wanted to meet Stein, but am a bit of an anti-social hobbit and it was a Friday afternoon and I wasn't sure I'd actually get to talk to him, so I was waivering about heading over to the Fleming Museum for the event. I decided to check on the car so I headed back to where it was illegally cloaked -- and Stein, Fogel, and DeWitt emerged from Ira Allen's side door! Opportunity knocks!

I adjusted my pace so our perpendicular paths would cross as they came off the stairs and made eye contact with Ben Stein as he stepped onto the bricked walk.

"Mr. Stein, thank you for you time today," I said. "I really enjoyed your remarks. It was a highly entertaining, interesting afternoon.

"Thank you," he said with a big smile, extending his hand to shake mine. "And what is your name?" he asked.

"I'm Jonathan Billings," I said.

"Billings?" He asked and stopped his stride as our hand shake broke and we commenced walking again. "Is this your building?"

"Ah, no", I said with a laugh as we stood just outside UVM's Billings' Student Center. Born of a different mother. "This one belongs to UVM."

A bit of laughter, mutual headnods, and we each continued on our way. Priceless ... To top it off, the cloaking device worked perfectly and the little bluc car was safe and sound (and ticket free) when I returned to it.

Haha! All in all, a most enjoyable afternoon. Thanks again, Dann!

Mirror, Mirror

In the classic Star Trek episode "Mirror, Mirror", the crew encounters their evil twins from the parallel universe ... fortunately, Evil Spock has a goatee so the viewers (at least) could tell the difference.

In the tribute t0 (or take off of, I suppose) this legendary episode by the folks at South Park, the boys have a similar encounter and sure enough, the Anti-Cartman is sporting a goatee ...

Now, both are certainly good looks -- but they are dark and sinister goatees ... In truth, the elegant goatee is light ... shining ... handsome ... blonde ... much like that of the superhero Green Arrow ... Now that was a goatee!

And thus -- with the days of The Green Arrow in mind and with a knowing nod to my fuzzed friends Evil Spock and Anti-Cartman -- my goatee has returned. It's been seven years since it appeared in one of my episodes -- seven good years, according to M ... Nonetheless, and regardless of what the relocation consolate says, I can't stay in hiding forever ... if the goatee ends up giving me away, so be it.

Hey, don't hate me because I'm beautiful ... or delusional. Or both ... :-)

JB's Art Displayed at Union Station in April '08

"Arts Alive", the gallery in Union Station in Burlington (at 1 Main Street, on the Waterfront and Battery Street) is hosting a exhibition in April of art from Franklin County artists, organized by St. Albans' own Stina Plant.

Emily and I will both have pieces on display -- Em's "Glue Bottles" painting makes its second public gallery appearance and my "Yorick" photograph moves from the private Cobblestone Gallery to Union Station for the month. Great fun ...

On Friday, April 4th, there will be a public reception for the artists at Arts Alive in Union Station from 7pm to 9pm. Emmer, unfortunately, will be out-of-state at a conference and the rest of the family is scattered, so I'll be there attempting to survive as an antisocial hobbit in a faaaar too public setting. Fortunately, refreshments will be served ... C'mon by and say hi - save me ...

In addition to the reception, the Arts Alive Gallery is open Monday through Friday from 8AM to 8PM and Saturday from 9AM to 4PM. There's a lot of talent in northwestern Vermont - stop by and enjoy a sampling of it.

An Ode to My Toes

Had you forgotten that I have poetic tendencies when left unsupervised? Well, it happened again - back in February of 2001 ... and an ode to my toes was born -- best when read aloud loudly and quickly with a slightly aristocratic British accent ...

Evolution's Golden Child
A Poem by JB of Donutrun

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
A hairy little man staring back at me ...
The distant descendent of a chimpanzee!

Am I evolution's golden child --
With prehensile toes and manners mild:
The optimal blend of tame and wild?

From dust did God a man create.
That belief I assert without debate,
And yet I ponder my fellow primate.

The monkey and man, a missing link --
If you'd seen my feet, you'd stop and think,
And kindly give a knowing wink.

And so to my destiny I cheerily traipse,
Munching bannanas and seedless grapes,
Eagerly awaiting The Planet of The Apes!

Things I Cannot Have ...

In every man's life there are things he cannot have. For most, it is but an unspoken inner understanding. For me, however, there's an actual list -- and assembly is in progress by the namby-pamby unimaginative kill-joy who is the love of my life ...

Mostly, mention of any of them prompts a quick "You're not getting that ... so don't even think about it." Heck, I get in trouble if I even appear to be trying to weasel my way into any of the following:

• A chainsaw. It's a shame. Think of the things I could cut. Like the car in half. Ooops.
• A Snickers Bar and Mt. Dew for Breakfast. One can never be toooo perky in the morning in my opinion, but alas ...
• A shaved head. I think she fears I would be tooo handsome for my own good. True.
• Picture in picture TV. I could tooo watch two baseball games, court tv, bowling, and a kung-fu movie all at once.
• My own checkbook. Hey, I'll remember to write down the *&^%$ details this time...
• A tatoo. Not the little dwarf guy on Fantasy Island. The permanent mark thing. Too bad, too, because correctly placed, "This End Up" would come in handy on occassion.
• Grappling hooks. How else am I gonna get up on the neighbor's roof? That's her point, I guess.
• A nailgun. So I asked the Home Depot guy about the range on one of them bad boys. Doesn't prove anything.
• Tatoo. The little dwarf guy on Fantasy Island. He'd be perfect when I lose the remote, but it seems there's an indentured servant law to be considered when procuring a midget.
• My own spaceship. Something about having to go through NASA for any attempt to return to my home planet.
• A flamethrower. I just want it to perk up the campfire a bit. Some people should relax.
• A pet monkey. It might offend the cat. I hardly think so.
• All four ESPN channels. I would too get off the couch. I'd have to -- I'd run out of snacks, eventually.
• A motorcycle. This is the mother of all no no's, the inspiration of the list. I'll get the spaceship first, I think ...
• And the catch all for a list in progress ... Anything to which I attach the question, "Now how could that be a bad idea?" ... Bummer.

And yet, I love her dearly.

But to be fair ... Lest folks think oppression is a one way street, I offer the list of things that SHE cannot have, authorized by firm and imperial decree of the husband:

• A clothesline. Just don't be ridiculous. We have a dryer. Hanging clean wet clothes out in the midst of the neighbors and the backyard wiffleball field is just begging for trouble. Use the dryer.
• A humus pile. (A compost heap for the politically correct, I suppose) I grew up with a pile of rotting remains in the sink waiting for me to schlep the bannana peels and other delicacies down behind the barn so they could rot and attract flies. Never again. Never again.

Reciprocatively, it's not too much to ask.

Medium Concerns (I'd like fries with that)

Here's a classic rant from the early days:

This one kills me.

I walk into a fast food store and order a hamburger, soda, and small fries. Okay, so I usually get an apple pie too. And a toy, too, if the truth be known. Anyway ...

The brainquest champion at the register sighs, gestures to the menu board, and tiredly explains, "We don't have SMALL fries. All we have is medium, large, and super size. Which would you like?" ARRRRGH!! I always want to throttle them when they say that (but that might be a sign of pent up aggression or a problem with authority wearing polyester, so we won't pursue that conversation).

If you have three things of some category and they are each varied in size, then -- maybe just for that particular collection -- the littlest one is the SMALL!! You can't start with medium! Without both a small and a large, there is no medium. None. Zip. Nada. If you only have two things of different size, one is small, one is large. That's it. Tell your advertising guys to shut up already. (another grumpy end to a paragraph!)

Let's put it to the test. 8 ounce soda. 16 ounce soda. 32 ounc soda. Which one is the "medium"? The 16. It doesn't matter if you consider that a lot of soda. It's the medium. What if you got rid of the 8 and had a 16, a 32, and a bladder busting 48? Well, the 16 is still plenty of soda, but now it is the small -- and the 32 becomes the medium!!! (If you've simply run out of 8 ounce cups, then it's okay to say we don't have smalls right now and still have a medium -- because you still have the small to compare it to ... just don't discontinue your small and expect to keep calling the other a medium.)

Or, a sports analogy. If three offensive linemen are hanging around the locker room ... a 334-pounder, a 326-pounder, and a 312 pounder ... and the coach says the small one has to go get fries for everybody -- he's going to have them running stairs all day if they try to duck the assignment by claiming they're all "large" so there isn't a "small" around. Yeah, the 312-pounder is a big boy, but in this trio, he's the small. Trade the 312-er for a 350-pounder and it's the 326-er who has to get the fries.

What all this ranting and raving boils (or fries) down to, is that "medium" is a comparitive measure. It requries an understanding of "small" and "large" to roughly define itself. Organizations that try to make their smalls look bigger by calling them mediums are deluding themselves and abusing our minds. I'm steamed (or fried) so I, for one, will continue to order SMALL fries when that's what I feel like -- regardless of what they're calling it that week. Just give me the littlest one you've got. That one's the small.

Trust me. It is.

Okay, in the grand scope of things, this is a small thing. Which is fine. It can be a small thing. Or, if you feel more strongly about it, it could be a large thing. Or a "super size" thing. It simply can't be a medium thing unless there are small things and large things to compare it to!!!

Anybody else ever get the feeling the folks at McDonalds are happy when they see your car pull into Burger King across the street?

Welcome to The Donutrun Soapbox

Back in the early days of the 'Net, when we wrote our own HTML code, there was an online oasis of optimism known as "Donutrun: Where Quixote Goes For Breakfast -- a Cyber Donutshop For the Mind" ...

The handcrafted webpage had a tribute to Man of LaMancha that was repeatedly sited in academic work ... It had one of the first Pittsburgh Steelers sites which earned a nickle-per-click from CBS Sports ... It had many eclectic flavors of cyber donuts, the relevant one here being "The Soapbox" ... which was a blog before blogs existed, saying:

This site begins to fulfill my life long desire for a newspaper column or a radio talk show. It is my forum to speak.

The following ventings are all considered "works in progress" ... They vary in length, subject seriousness, conclusion firmness, and general relevancy. I may or may not pester with the mundane conventions of spelling, grammar, and punctuation. As they each evolve, their logic will solidify, the writing will elevate, and the pesuasiveness will expand (maybe).

You need not agree with what I post. I say these things to hear them said. An exercise in ego? Undoubtedly. A chance to deepen understanding? Perhaps.

Remember, I did not ask you to listen. I chose to speak ... you chose to listen ...

The voices in my head have grown tired of talking to one another and since it seems I am still the only one who hears them, I grant them this forum for their foolishness. A continued exercise in ego and self-entertainment? Certainly. An intellectual electrontic treasure-trove of inspiration, edification, and enlightment? Possibly, perhaps, but certainly less likely.

Remember, I chose to speak ... you chose to listen. With that in mind, welcome to The Soapbox.